Lonely and Alone

Hi guys. Thanks for reading my stuff. Thanks for trying to get to know me better. Thanks for being my friends and thanks for doing your best by me. But I can't keep this up. Right now writing about what I think and feel is not something I think any of you would appreciate reading. I guess I'll start again once I can, but right now I don't have much of a life to speak of. Everything I thought was going to be my future now isn't. No I exaggerate. i still have my family, my school, my friends. I just don't have me, or my other half anymore. I hope maybe this will change some day. But any purpose I've had in my life, the purpose I gained a year 2 months and 25 days ago is gone. I don't feel like I'm me anymore, I guess I never really worked myself out, I just tried to become a better person for the sake of a relationship, not for my own.

Turns out I need to work on that, and become a better person for the sake of my own soul, and nobody elses. So if you see me sitting in a corner with no life to speak of, that's what I'm doing. No really, I need to work harder at school, I need to be more helpful to my friends, I need to be more kind and loving to the family I have that doesn't hate us. I don't know where any of this will lead, but hopefully I'll become a better person, and hopefully this means one day if my love takes me back I'll be more worthy than I am now.

I thought about giving up. About letting myself go and becoming trash like I was. But I won't self destruct again. I had the best year of my entire life, and I learned so much from it, I need to put those lessons into use and learn even more. I might feel empty inside, and these words are all coming from me without any thought put into them, but somehow I have to find a way to truly apologise, to truly change and to truly show I've learned.

Life is littered with mistakes, we just have to learn from them and noone can expect anything else of us. Of course the weak make more mistakes than the strong, but we each have our own weaknesses...mine being loneliness. I hate being alone, even though sometimes I hate being around people that just aren't attuned to my mood. But there's a difference between alone and lonely I suppose, and most of the time I'm surrounded by people and I just couldn't feel more of the latter. Right now, I'm both. Part of me is missing and nothing in the world is a replacement for what I have lost.

I will wait and learn and pray and try, and hopefully one day I will regain trust. Because I know a loss like this can never be forgotten, it's not something I can just "get over" I can't just "move on". A true friendship has awful moments, but true friends also eventually forgive, even if they never forget. I had what I thought was the truest friendship of my life, an eternal best friend...and I ruined it.

A lesson I learned today in moving on from grief was profound to me. My mother was telling me about her move from Cuba when she was 8 years old. Her father had just been released from jail, where he'd been held captive for some years speaking against Castro, leaving my grandmother to care for and provide for my mother and her brother. My mum left her toys, clothes, favourite plate and home behind, but she also left behind friends, family, and everything to which she belonged. This wasn't just a holiday, it wasn't a carefully considered relocation, my mother and her family had no choice but to leave their home country...and everything else behind. All of this made me sad-I who have lived in the same house since the day I was brought back from the hospital. I can't imagine leaving the bed I love so much, let alone my school friends and my aunt and cousins, however distant I am from them. I can't imagine losing all I have come to know as my life, and facing life in, as it turned out for my mother-Spain. Not so different you may think, but it was loss that made the change so strange.

My mother remembers her sadness about leaving her family and friends behind, but what made her cry in front of me tonight was remembering her pet. Her 4 year old dog, Joli, had been sent ahead of the family from Cuba to Spain. Upon her arrival she was told her father's sister had sold the dog to provide them with money to get by. A year later when my mother and her brother were crying uncontrollably for their dearly beloved Jolie, my grandfather decided to tell them the reason they could not buy her back, as much as they all wanted to-for my grandfather loves dogs, and would see their loss as that of a family member. Jolie had been sold to a lady, as far as my mother can gather for the mess of lies her different relatives told her, and soon after had died of sadness. She hadn't been happy in her new home and soon enough, despite her young age, she passed away. My mother cried harder as she spoke, telling me what a good dog Jolie was...and how she wished she had her.

This is 40 years later and my mother is crying over the loss of a childhood pet. This is how I know some wounds don't heal. And the gaping hole left inside me from the loss of, however cruel this may sound, someone far more meaningful to me than any pet, will never close over. At least my mother can cry in my arms over her loss, with this loss I will never have a child to cry to.

I may have gone a little off topic, but all of this is what is close to my heart. My family-who up until recently meant my mother, father, brother, my grandparents, my auntie and my uncle, my cousins...and Robert Armitage. I would so love for you to be my family again Rob.

Please my love, forgive me, give me a second chance and I will never fail you. You are my life and my purpose, you are everything to me.