I am the world
The tectonic plates inside me
Are shifting
Molten lava at my core
Running through my veins
Looking for the cracks
No, I feel like, a galaxy
The suns around me
Become black dwarves
Around me stars suffer
Gravitational collapse
Now nothing
Can escape
The spacetime curvature
You are locked in my universe
Alone with me but
Surrounded by everything
Catching the tears that fall from my eyes
In a vial, a testube
We're drowned by my tears
Free from the make believe world we're in
We explode, shattering the universe into a million pieces
We roll on the shards
Feeling them cutting our flesh
Tearing our skin
Embedding themselves
Until we screech to a halt
The glass rasping against the floor
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
One way, or another
I think it's much harder to write now that I'm more happy. It always felt like I was channeling some inner melancholy when I was writing especially well, however-I will see if I can fall into it.
There is something inside I need to write, I'm just not sure what it is yet...some poem? Not quite, but definitely not a story...a description of sorts...of what though? Hmm.
It was like watching my heart be torn out, paralysed and unable to move.
Smiling and waving I watched you step on it, again and again.
You opened it's chambers with the heel of your shoe,
I noticed there were different tints to the blood
As my head caved in and I succumbed to myself.
Okay, so that wasn't what I had to write, that just came out of nowhere. Better out than in, I guess.
This is so highly frustrating, knowing there is something I need to tell you, something...and I just can't seem to...remember.
Well, I think I'm a little distracted at the moment. There are other thoughts predominant in my mind...exams are coming up, and I've barely started studying, not that I'm stressed. But I feel a bit like a waste of space, of time...I'm not very useful. I'm not GOOD at anything, you see these people that can create incredible artistic masterpieces, and people who can perform to such a degree that they become another person...people who can play a sport at the highest level, people with ambitions...incredible writers or mathematical geniuses...I don't have that kind of drive. I just want one thing, I want a family.
They say when you know you can't have something you want it more than ever, maybe this is true. But I know that ever since I was a young 'un myself I've wanted to have children. Since they told me that would be close to impossible for me, it's become more than just a normal womanly, natural desire to have. It's close to becoming an obsession. Logically, unemotionally-I know this is probably due to psychological aspects such as believing myself to be unworthy, to be faulty, to be unfulfilled, abnormal etc. However, the fact is that my heart aches, it really just burns...every night I dream, I dream of the future, happy days where I have my handsome husband and gorgeous children, and nightmares where everything I fear most comes to pass; I get pregnant, miscarriage, or give birth, the child dies, or finally everything works out and I lose the love of my life...
Neither type of these dreams are good, the happy ones make me wake up in tears because I know they aren't true, and the awful ones leave me with a dull hopelessness that sits in my chest all day...I'm only young and already I'm researching all the different ways I might achieve having little children of my own, the medications I could take, the technology available...everything is so expensive though, why can't I just have a baby normally? When so many teenagers fall pregnant and get a fucking abortion, I can't hope to even have that one day in my life?
This last week these thoughts have been plaguing me more than usual, although at the same time I've been more cheerful. See, I finally found a drive, finally found something I could actually do and be proud and happy of...something I could be good at. I'm going to find a way to unite more children with women that want them.
You all want to be famous artists, novelists, basketballers, diplomats, singers, actors...I just want to be a mother.
There is something inside I need to write, I'm just not sure what it is yet...some poem? Not quite, but definitely not a story...a description of sorts...of what though? Hmm.
It was like watching my heart be torn out, paralysed and unable to move.
Smiling and waving I watched you step on it, again and again.
You opened it's chambers with the heel of your shoe,
I noticed there were different tints to the blood
As my head caved in and I succumbed to myself.
Okay, so that wasn't what I had to write, that just came out of nowhere. Better out than in, I guess.
This is so highly frustrating, knowing there is something I need to tell you, something...and I just can't seem to...remember.
Well, I think I'm a little distracted at the moment. There are other thoughts predominant in my mind...exams are coming up, and I've barely started studying, not that I'm stressed. But I feel a bit like a waste of space, of time...I'm not very useful. I'm not GOOD at anything, you see these people that can create incredible artistic masterpieces, and people who can perform to such a degree that they become another person...people who can play a sport at the highest level, people with ambitions...incredible writers or mathematical geniuses...I don't have that kind of drive. I just want one thing, I want a family.
They say when you know you can't have something you want it more than ever, maybe this is true. But I know that ever since I was a young 'un myself I've wanted to have children. Since they told me that would be close to impossible for me, it's become more than just a normal womanly, natural desire to have. It's close to becoming an obsession. Logically, unemotionally-I know this is probably due to psychological aspects such as believing myself to be unworthy, to be faulty, to be unfulfilled, abnormal etc. However, the fact is that my heart aches, it really just burns...every night I dream, I dream of the future, happy days where I have my handsome husband and gorgeous children, and nightmares where everything I fear most comes to pass; I get pregnant, miscarriage, or give birth, the child dies, or finally everything works out and I lose the love of my life...
Neither type of these dreams are good, the happy ones make me wake up in tears because I know they aren't true, and the awful ones leave me with a dull hopelessness that sits in my chest all day...I'm only young and already I'm researching all the different ways I might achieve having little children of my own, the medications I could take, the technology available...everything is so expensive though, why can't I just have a baby normally? When so many teenagers fall pregnant and get a fucking abortion, I can't hope to even have that one day in my life?
This last week these thoughts have been plaguing me more than usual, although at the same time I've been more cheerful. See, I finally found a drive, finally found something I could actually do and be proud and happy of...something I could be good at. I'm going to find a way to unite more children with women that want them.
You all want to be famous artists, novelists, basketballers, diplomats, singers, actors...I just want to be a mother.
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